Discipline That Works

                  Parent Tips

-  Six steps to better discipline
-  Punishment
-  Don't give up

The hope of every parent is to have children who are responsible, concerned
members of society. Discipline is, of course, part of this effort. Research has
repeatedly shown that, despite the importance of the peer group, parents
usually have much more influence than they realize. Disciplining children takes
a great deal of effort, but the main idea is that children and parents can
change. Changing behavior requires much time and well-thought-out reactions.
 Some parents simply do not have the time, energy, or patience to attempt to
motivate change in the child or even in themselves. It is not easy, but read on.
You will be convinced that it can be done.

You Can Do It! - Six steps
Here are some suggestions for positive steps toward better discipline in your
home.

1. Let your children know you like them.

Tell your children how much you admire their good qualities.  Don't take their
good behavior for granted. Remember to reward them once in a while. These
rewards may take the form of extra time reading to your child, time spent in
an activity chosen by your child, or even something as simple as a hug. Listening
to your children, hugging them, smiling or talking with them are all rewards -
the kind that you can give hundreds of times every day. One of the most
powerful rewards for children is the love, interest, and attention they receive
from their mother and father.

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2. Let your children know exactly what you expect of them.

Set limits.  Youngsters, who would be the last to admit it, find too much
freedom frightening.  Set limits for the actions that your children are not
ready to control themselves. Children need to know exactly what parents
expect of them and also how parents will react to their behavior. It is
important to state your requests clearly. For example, it is much easier for
the child to follow the direction "Please put your glass in the center of the
table" than "Be careful with your milk. It's so close to the edge of the table
it will fall off." Set rules that you think are important and be firm in seeing
that your children follow them. Above all, do not make rules you have no
intention of enforcing.

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3. Encourage responsible decision-making.

Whenever possible, find areas in which you know your children can make
decisions for themselves. If your child approaches you with a request you
feel you should deny, try saying, "What would you say if you were in my
place? What should I say? What would be my reason?"  You'll find that
when you treat children as responsible individuals, their level of
responsibility increases rapidly.

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4. Set a good example.

Remember that children are great imitators. While you are telling your
children why you think they should not steal, cheat, or be cruel to others, be
sure they cannot cite some example of your behavior that contradicts these
values.  Be honest yourself - hypocrisy shows.

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5. Encourage your children to respect proper authority.

At home, in school, and in other areas of their lives, your children need to
know the importance of respecting authority. It is a simple fact that some
things cannot or will not be changed. Certain rules must be followed. Help
your children understand that it is harmful to them, as well as to everyone
else, to have constant arguments, fights, and problems with peers and adults.
Let your child see how his/ her misbehavior affects other people.

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6. Have fun with your children.

Young people need to interact with adults. Try choosing a regular time each
week to do things as a family. Engaging in sports, playing games, sharing
hobbies, and visiting museums are some of the many activities that parents and
children can enjoy together. Encourage your children to ask questions and to
express their own points of view. In addition, invite your children to join you
in some activities in which they may not usually be asked to participate.

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What About Punishment?

Thus far, we have approached the subject of discipline from a very positive
standpoint. Changing behavior with positive methods is the best way. But it is
a rather slow process, and you may find some behaviors of your child that you
need to change more quickly. Punishment, if used properly, will produce rapid
changes in behaviors that disrupt the family. It is strongly recommended,
however, that you use punishment sparingly. It does encourage the child to
refrain from certain behaviors, but your real task as a parent is to teach the
child to be a person. By using the more positive methods described earlier,
you can teach the child positive ways of behaving. Effective punishment relies
on withholding rewards or privileges and provides a clear-cut method of
earning them back. Before punishing, it is a good idea to give a cue  (a physical
or verbal warning that the behavior is to stop at once). Then punishment
should follow immediately after the offense so that the child understands the
association between the misbehavior and the punishment. Avoid physical
punishment because other forms of discipline (short periods of isolation
or withholding privileged activities) focus more on the behavior and less on
the self-concept of the child. Hatred builds quickly when punishment hurts the
child physically. Realistically, however, because some physical punishment is
likely, care should be taken that it is neither severe nor prolonged. Physical
punishment can be harmful to a child and does not accomplish the goal. Besides,
no parents want their children to fear them. If a parent slaps or hits a child
in anger, the undesirable behavior may stop, but two things are wrong with
this method:(1) both parent and child are likely to be upset for some time,
and (2) no parent can hit a child every time he or she does something
undesirable.

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Don't Give Up

Consistency will determine the success of whatever discipline methods you use.
Each time you ask your children to do something, you also have a job. Be
predictable. Follow through. Remember, too, that your children may have been
misbehaving for some time. If this is the case, when you start to correct them,
they may not think you mean it. They will learn thatyou mean business when you
continue to follow your program consistently. If you see your children slipping
into behaviors you cannot correct by yourself, it may be time to seek outside
assistance.When you feel you have exhausted your own efforts, your child's
teacher, school counselor, or principal, your pastor or rabbi, or a child or
adolescent psychologist may be able to suggest some helpful ideas and
strategies. Remember, changing or establishing parental discipline is a long,
slow, often tedious, process. The important thing is to form a clear objective,
then take a few steps at a time in that direction.

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